I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
