apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
A bitchslap is in order.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
