i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
