I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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