My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
