Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
