Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
