Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
