In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
