No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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