we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
