Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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