You just made me feel so damn special
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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