I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
