i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
