My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Found the puke drawer
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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