I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Houston, we have a blender
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
