apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize