the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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