he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
