I am spending my child support on dildos
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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