If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
