You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
