the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We need to get me chipped asap
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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