Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
