chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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