you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
