So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
