Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
