my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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