You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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