the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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