Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
