You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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