Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
