hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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