She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
