best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
