omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
