I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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