You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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