Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When are your genitals available?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
