just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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