i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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