he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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