He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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