I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
