I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
