Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize