I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
