eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He felt like a one man threesome
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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