Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
