Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
