So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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