I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
