i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
