you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize