I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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