I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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