New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize