I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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