Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
