I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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