We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
